Tag Archives: relationships

“I want to be heard!” The art and power of empathic listening

In an old Russian film about schoolchildren, 14-year-olds are being asked to write an essay about happiness. One boy scandalizes all the teachers by writing only one sentence: “Happiness is when you are being understood.” This phrase stayed with me since I have first watched the film as a teenager, and later on. It resonated with me. I too dreamed of being understood. My inner life was so intense that I felt an overwhelming need to share it, to show somebody my world…

But what does it mean to be understood? Can we ever fully understand another person? Can we really step into their shoes and experience their world – colours, sounds, pain and joy – as they experience it? This would mean becoming the other person, and although such a fusion of minds could perhaps be experienced in occasional exalted moments, this is an exception rather than the everyday reality. In reality, I believe, the closest to understanding the other would be hearing the other. Hearing with full presence and desire to understand as closely as you can what is it the person is trying to communicate to you. The message may be – and often is – hidden in-between the words, in a tone of a voice, in a twinkle of the eyes, in the posture of a person, so you need to listen very intently and closely.

Such type of listening is extremely rare. Think about conversations with your friends. Most often we talk over each other. The moment a friend mentions something that happened to him or her our associative memory links it to a similar event that happened to us and we get impatient to talk about it, so we don’t register much of what our friend is saying any more. Or we intercept and start speaking of ourselves. So many of our conversations resemble this:

“You know, I had an accident last week – I slipped when running after a bus and broke my wrist.”
“Oh, no, how awful!”
“Yes, I didn’t think it was something serious at first and didn’t go straight to the hospital, and by night my arm was swollen and terribly painful.”
“Yes, this happened to me when I was 12: I broke my leg falling from a bike and we only went to the hospital the following day. I spent the whole night nursing my leg and trying not to cry. But I did cry when they put cast on my leg! It was during summer holidays, by the seaside, and I was totally devastated that I had to lounge on the beach, bored, while all other kids were swimming and having fun.”

This is the story I used to tell when people spoke to me about their broken limbs. But haven’t we all been on both sides of such a conversation? It is almost as if we are being perpetually trapped in the vicious circle of impatience to talk and the frustration of not being listened to and heard. Then how do we break this cycle? I believe it can only happen intentionally and when we become aware of what is going on for us in a conversation. To listen empathically we need to be able to suspend our desire to express ourselves and give our full attention to another person. As a counsellor I can testify that it is not as difficult as it seems. Counsellors are not different from other people, but when you enter a therapy room you bracket out – intentionally and as far as you can – your own stuff and dedicate your attention to the person you are working with. Once the decision is made that you are not going to use this space for talking about yourself, it becomes reasonably easy to focus on your conversation partner.

Another common challenge on the way of empathic listening is the urge to give advice trying to “fix” either our friends or their situation. Although, very occasionally, our constructive suggestions may be taken onboard, most usually unsolicited advice elicits resistance or even offence. Even though I have already been working as a therapist and have been aware of the importance of non-judgemental listening I have still done the same “fixing” mistake when talking with my friends. I would try to show them their patterns of behaviour that were not helpful or try to explain the psychology of interpersonal situations. And one day a friend, having lost her patience in a telephone conversation, has screamed at me: “Can’t you just listen? I just want to talk and get it out of my chest! I want to be heard – I don’t want to be fixed!”

Although it seems to us that our intention in giving advice is to help our loved ones, more often than not the true reason for this urge to come up with a solution is our own discomfort at staying with difficult emotions. We may feel helpless, concerned, anxious. And we are trying to alleviate this discomfort of ours by “fixing” them. As one of my clients said, when we explored the sources of miscommunication with his wife: “I got it, it is really true: when my wife is trying to talk to me about her concerns and I am telling her ‘don’t worry!’ I am actually saying ‘don’t worry me with it’!”

Advice always presupposes evaluation or judgment (even if positive), and haven’t we all had enough of that? Can I be let simply be, imperfect as I am, in joy and foolishness and sadness? In myself, in my clients and in people with whom I hold emotional conversations I recognize this longing… The longing to be accepted just as we are. Yet it is difficult to withhold our judgements and opinions when listening to a person in distress. We want to do something, we want to be able to help, not to remain passive. Well – to this I may say that we tend to greatly underestimate the power of empathic listening. This kind of listening is not a passive act, for you need to listen with your whole being, to immerse yourself in the process.

Carl Rogers, one of the pioneers of Humanistic psychology and a founder of person-centred therapy wrote that when a person “finds someone else listening acceptantly to his feelings, he little by little becomes able to listen to himself” (On Becoming a Person). When we are being listened to in this particular way, when we feel accepted as we are, we begin to get in touch with our inner being, our own inner guide that will unlock hidden resources for healing and growth.

 

Love yourself… as your neighbour

As Christmas approaches and people are rushing around doing gifts shopping and arranging family meetings, I find myself reflecting more and more about one of the central themes to this holiday: love.

We all are longing for love. Aren’t we? And when I say this I don’t mean only romantic love, but love expressed and experienced in different forms: through human companionship, acceptance kindness. In my therapy work (as well as in “real life”) I constantly meet people who talk about how they suffer from isolation, from the lack of real connection and appreciation. They express the deep-felt desire to be listened to, cared for, acknowledged. Paradoxically, however, we often expect that all these things must come from the outside. That they should be expressed and given to us by other people. It is as if we had no right to give these very gifts to ourselves. As if there was some part within us that forbade us from accepting, acknowledging and nurturing our selves. Yet, this part appears to be always fighting another part, the innate part that tries to assert – sometimes in a whisper, sometimes in a stifled scream – its birthright for love.

For some people the conflict between these two parts is very bitter and poignant, so that at times they really feel torn apart. This is certainly how it used to be for me… But how does it come about?

The topic is very complex indeed. It can by no means be even partially covered in this short article, but nonetheless I would like to say a few words and thus to open the discussion. In a very simplified form, it appears to me to be a conflict between “nature” and “nurture.” It appears that the sense of self-value, the sense of our own uniqueness and our right to be happy is something inborn in us. Otherwise we wouldn’t have ever felt offended or wronged. These emotions can only arise if that inborn sense has been impinged on. Even small children would cry sometimes “This is not fair!” Even animals can feel it! And I believe that this perception of unfairness comes from the deep-rooted, almost instinctual sense of justice intrinsically connected with the feeling of self-worth.

However, much of our upbringing and education aimed to make us fit for living in a society works through suppressing, reframing and restraining our instinctual urges. And – to a certain extent – it is, of course, a necessary thing and something that makes us self-conscious humans. What happens though is that the “baby gets thrown out together with the water.” It is as if from the old biblical saying “love your neighbour as yourself,” the second half has been chucked away, so we are left just with “love your neighbour.”

As we are constantly admonished to be sensitive to other people, to be considerate and care for others’ needs, we often get little confirmation that our needs and feelings are equally important. That being in tune with our feelings and needs can actually also help us better care for others. Thus we end up growing with the underlying sense of guilt and self-denial; unable to distinguish between being “selfish” and being in tune with our needs.

These issues are intrinsically connected with self-esteem. The more we have been denied as children the proper care and nourishing love that validated our inborn sense of self-worth the lower will be our self-esteem as adults, and the more acute would be the conflict between the craving for love and a suspicion that we somehow do not deserve it. Because the craving is strong and cannot be easily overcome we may end up demanding love from others. But others can never give us what we do not want to give ourselves! By which I mean that even if somebody loves me very much, if my self-esteem is low, I will constantly doubt their love and demand further and further proofs that would somehow never be enough. At the end this makes us totally dependent on other people for validating our self-worth and often undermines the relationships.

People I work with in therapy often ask me: but how can I love myself? How can I give myself love?

These are the questions I have been asking myself too for a long time. Is it possible to feel love for yourself in the same way you experience it towards another person? Could it be possible that your heart would suddenly be washed all over with that sweeping warm wave of tenderness that at times engulfs it when you are looking at your child or at your beloved? I must admit that I have never experienced it quite as strongly. However, I had a definite experience of the change of my feelings towards myself as a child. In fact it has been a really dramatic change. From deepest self-loathing to very warm acceptance, compassion and, well, I may say – love. Therefore I know that it is possible. And I have witnessed similar transformation in people I had the privilege to work with.

In my future articles I will discuss in more detail some specific techniques and skills that may help you find, adopt and nurture the wounded – and yet utterly precious – child within you. Here I would just suggest something very simple. And this is taking your time – even if just five or ten minutes a day (or whenever you can) – to simply stay quietly with yourself. Noticing how your body feels; whether you experience tension or discomfort in any part of your body. Noticing your emotions. What are you feeling at the moment? Are you content? Are you sad or angry? Notice how you feel without judgment. It is almost like stepping away from yourself and offering yourself the attention and empathy that all human beings deserve. By doing that you will gradually begin being more attuned to yourself, more in touch with your intuition and creativity, more self-aware and also more able to create fulfilling relationships with others.

Ludmila Gin