Category Archives: self-discovery

Love yourself… as your neighbour

As Christmas approaches and people are rushing around doing gifts shopping and arranging family meetings, I find myself reflecting more and more about one of the central themes to this holiday: love.

We all are longing for love. Aren’t we? And when I say this I don’t mean only romantic love, but love expressed and experienced in different forms: through human companionship, acceptance kindness. In my therapy work (as well as in “real life”) I constantly meet people who talk about how they suffer from isolation, from the lack of real connection and appreciation. They express the deep-felt desire to be listened to, cared for, acknowledged. Paradoxically, however, we often expect that all these things must come from the outside. That they should be expressed and given to us by other people. It is as if we had no right to give these very gifts to ourselves. As if there was some part within us that forbade us from accepting, acknowledging and nurturing our selves. Yet, this part appears to be always fighting another part, the innate part that tries to assert – sometimes in a whisper, sometimes in a stifled scream – its birthright for love.

For some people the conflict between these two parts is very bitter and poignant, so that at times they really feel torn apart. This is certainly how it used to be for me… But how does it come about?

The topic is very complex indeed. It can by no means be even partially covered in this short article, but nonetheless I would like to say a few words and thus to open the discussion. In a very simplified form, it appears to me to be a conflict between “nature” and “nurture.” It appears that the sense of self-value, the sense of our own uniqueness and our right to be happy is something inborn in us. Otherwise we wouldn’t have ever felt offended or wronged. These emotions can only arise if that inborn sense has been impinged on. Even small children would cry sometimes “This is not fair!” Even animals can feel it! And I believe that this perception of unfairness comes from the deep-rooted, almost instinctual sense of justice intrinsically connected with the feeling of self-worth.

However, much of our upbringing and education aimed to make us fit for living in a society works through suppressing, reframing and restraining our instinctual urges. And – to a certain extent – it is, of course, a necessary thing and something that makes us self-conscious humans. What happens though is that the “baby gets thrown out together with the water.” It is as if from the old biblical saying “love your neighbour as yourself,” the second half has been chucked away, so we are left just with “love your neighbour.”

As we are constantly admonished to be sensitive to other people, to be considerate and care for others’ needs, we often get little confirmation that our needs and feelings are equally important. That being in tune with our feelings and needs can actually also help us better care for others. Thus we end up growing with the underlying sense of guilt and self-denial; unable to distinguish between being “selfish” and being in tune with our needs.

These issues are intrinsically connected with self-esteem. The more we have been denied as children the proper care and nourishing love that validated our inborn sense of self-worth the lower will be our self-esteem as adults, and the more acute would be the conflict between the craving for love and a suspicion that we somehow do not deserve it. Because the craving is strong and cannot be easily overcome we may end up demanding love from others. But others can never give us what we do not want to give ourselves! By which I mean that even if somebody loves me very much, if my self-esteem is low, I will constantly doubt their love and demand further and further proofs that would somehow never be enough. At the end this makes us totally dependent on other people for validating our self-worth and often undermines the relationships.

People I work with in therapy often ask me: but how can I love myself? How can I give myself love?

These are the questions I have been asking myself too for a long time. Is it possible to feel love for yourself in the same way you experience it towards another person? Could it be possible that your heart would suddenly be washed all over with that sweeping warm wave of tenderness that at times engulfs it when you are looking at your child or at your beloved? I must admit that I have never experienced it quite as strongly. However, I had a definite experience of the change of my feelings towards myself as a child. In fact it has been a really dramatic change. From deepest self-loathing to very warm acceptance, compassion and, well, I may say – love. Therefore I know that it is possible. And I have witnessed similar transformation in people I had the privilege to work with.

In my future articles I will discuss in more detail some specific techniques and skills that may help you find, adopt and nurture the wounded – and yet utterly precious – child within you. Here I would just suggest something very simple. And this is taking your time – even if just five or ten minutes a day (or whenever you can) – to simply stay quietly with yourself. Noticing how your body feels; whether you experience tension or discomfort in any part of your body. Noticing your emotions. What are you feeling at the moment? Are you content? Are you sad or angry? Notice how you feel without judgment. It is almost like stepping away from yourself and offering yourself the attention and empathy that all human beings deserve. By doing that you will gradually begin being more attuned to yourself, more in touch with your intuition and creativity, more self-aware and also more able to create fulfilling relationships with others.

Ludmila Gin

What are we thinking? Becoming aware of our thoughts and emotions

In my last blog I have explored how our emotions affect our life – how they influence what we do and do not do, how do we respond to other people and to the challenges that life presents. But what about our thoughts? Where do they come into play?

Thoughts are as important in shaping our life as emotions are, and the two are closely interconnected as thoughts are often emotionally charged. Sad or anxious thoughts would make us feel sad or anxious, and our body will respond accordingly: we may experience heaviness in the chest, a lump in the throat or butterflies in the tummy.

Thoughts also have a suggestive power. If we repeat the same thought over and over again, our subconscious mind incorporates it as truth. For example, if we are always saying to ourselves “I am useless, I cannot do anything right,” our subconscious mind comes to believe that this is true. And here is the trap! Once the subconscious mind “believes” in something it begins to rule us according to its faith. And thus it may cause us a lot of grievance. It may stop us from venturing to do new things because “we are not good at anything” or from developing fulfilling relationships because “nobody cares about us.”

So how do we take over control?

An important step is to become aware of our thoughts. Developing self-awareness is indeed the key for personal growth. So I would suggest: begin to notice your thoughts in a non-judgmental way, with open curiosity. Simply become interested: “What am I thinking?” Of course, hundreds of thoughts cross our mind every minute and it is not possible to note each one. But as you start observing you will notice that there are some thoughts that occur over and over again. How many of them are positive and how many are negative? As you “catch” a negative thought in your mind’s net consider what has triggered it. Is it a response to a concrete situation or is it a generalization of a sort? Suppose a colleague did not return your “hello” and you think with a habitual sigh “Nobody notices me.” But is it really so? Maybe you are forgetful of a stranger who held a door for you an hour earlier, or of a friend who came to visit when you were ill?

If you start witnessing your thoughts you will be amazed how many of them are automatic responses. A friend of mine has called them an “answering machine.” The “answering machine” kicks in every time when something triggers our stored response. By becoming aware of our thoughts and emotions we gain a greater control over them and a greater freedom to choose our responses. Sometimes, however, certain persistent negative emotions or thoughts may be a result of an emotional trauma that cannot be alleviated simply through an act of observation. In this case it would be recommended to work through it with the help of a therapist.

To get yourself into habit of monitoring your thoughts you may use a weekly thoughts calendar, similar to the emotions calendar that I have suggested in the previous blog. You may want to make a use of the template that I created and uploaded on the Downloads page (www.Soultap.co.uk/downloads). Feel free to change the suggested examples of thoughts to your own. If you need help please don’t hesitate to contact me, and I will be happy to assist you with creating your person-tailored calendar.

I hope you find this information useful and I look forward to hearing your thoughts and insights.

With warm wishes,

Ludmila

Emotional awareness

How much our life is influenced by our emotions?

Have you noticed the difference in the way you interact with your friends, family, colleagues when you are in a good mood and in a bad mood? Have you ever caught yourself postponing for days or even months making that important phone call or writing a letter for the fear of a negative response? And probably all of us have experienced how a seemingly insignificant little thing – a sudden minor disruption of our plans – can cause a bright day go grey.

Run a simple experiment. Sit quietly, take a few gentle breaths, in and out, and think of something you would really like to achieve. Now imagine a kind wizard, wrapped in an invisible cloak coming up to you and revealing to you that this thing will actually come true, just do what you have to do. Notice how you feel (inspired? motivated?) and how your body feels (tingling? energized?). And now imagine that a sad fairy comes and says that, no matter how much you try, there is a very little chance of success. Notice the change in your mood and in your physical state.

Emotions, implicitly, shape our life to a great extant. They colour the tone of our voice, impact our actions and, in general, affect our sense of wellbeing. They arise spontaneously, powered by our subconscious mind, and it may seem that we can do little to control them. This is, however, a wrong assumption! There is much that we can do to understand our emotions, befriend them and master them. By achieving that we gain the power to shape our lives consciously, to become the pilots rather than the jets run by auto-pilot.

The first step towards this goal would be developing a greater awareness of emotions that we experience day-to-day. As it happens, very often we do not recognize what emotional states we are in (angry, anxious, overwhelmed, etc.). Becoming mindful of our emotions simply by learning to witness them in a friendly, non-judgmental way prepares our brain to the second step when we are able to ask the question “Do I want to experience this emotion or not?” This is a stage when we are able to make a choice, which would be the next step. Yes, we can actually choose what emotions we experience! We can consciously decide not to immerse ourselves in an emotion that puts us into a negative frame of mind, and opt instead for a positive emotion that invigorates mind and body and creates a sense of well-being.

I have created a simple template-calendar that can help you to monitor your emotions on a weekly basis. You can download it from my website: http://www.soultap.co.uk/downloads.

The calendar is in a Word format, and you can easily re-tailor it for your individual needs (if you need help please feel free to contact me.) All you need to do is at the end of the day (or throughout the day) put a tick (or several ticks) next to the emotions that you have experienced. If you wish, you could add a very brief note about the trigger of the emotion as well as its intensity. After a couple of weeks of this practice you will have a pretty clear idea of your prevalent emotions and their habitual triggers.

The most important condition is NOT TO BE JUDGEMENTAL. We tend to beat ourselves up for experiencing “bad” emotions, and this is a biggest trap and impediment in achieving the mastery over our emotions. So, just take it as a game. At this level of the game you score points not for succeeding in changing your emotional responses, but simply for noticing them, witnessing them non-judgementally.

Enjoy! Stay open-minded and prepare to be surprised!

And if you have questions or need support please write to me at connect@Soultap.co.uk or leave your comments to this blog.

Warm wishes,

Ludmila Gin